Anger is an emotion we all feel at times. Our first response to a situation where we believe we have been treated unfairly, unjustly or disrespectfully can be anger. Our anger often feels immediate and automatic, but we are free to change our response to any given situation. Once we immediately respond to a situation or person with anger, remaining angry is truly a choice that we make. We choose to hold on to anger usually because we feel justified in doing so. We tell ourselves things like, "anyone would be angry in my situation". Sometimes we choose to hold on to anger in order to punish the person or persons that we believe have wronged us. When we do this, we seldom punish the other people. Generally speaking, other people do not become remorseful and penitent as the result of our anger. In remaining angry we are left with our own unpleasant and ineffective feelings.
The point needs to be made here that anger does have a purpose. There are some useful reasons to be angry. Anger allows us to separate ourselves from painful people and situations. It can form a protective barrier between our emotional selves and relationships that are emotionally unhealthy for us. Anger can also provide us with the energy and incentive to right a wrong or stop an injustice. The American Revolution was fueled by anger. More recently, the increased political involvement by the common citizens in our country is fueled with anger. Anger can and does give people the strength, energy and determination to end unhealthy relationships.
Nonetheless, there are times when anger is no longer effective. These are times when anger serves no useful purpose in an individual's life. They situation may be long over. The individual is no longer in that emotionally unhealthy relationship or perhaps the child has grown up now and has a voice as an adult. Sometimes anger can become potentially self-destructive such as when it leads to drinking heavily, drug use or emotional overeating. There is also medical evidence that shows that anger may have a negative impact on your health leading to an increased risk of heart attack and cancer. In these cases it can be helpful to work on letting go of anger.
Letting go of anger, particularly if the anger has been present for most of one's life is no easy task. Some individuals have been angry for so long that anger defines their personality. In these cases, transforming anger and letting go takes longer.
Regardless, it is important to start small. Address the least emotionally threatening issue that comes to mind and choose to let go. It is also helpful to develop compassion for the person you believe did you wrong. Having a spiritual belief system can be helpful in developing compassion for someone you are angry with. Developing compassion does not mean liking the person or condoning their behavior, it does mean developing a sense of where they have come from. Compassion means knowing and accepting the other person as they are with their limitations. Being compassionate toward another may also mean ending the relationship that you have with them because in knowing and accepting them you have come to realize that it is impossible to have a healthy emotional relationship with that person.
Another technique helpful in releasing anger is to avoid lashing out against them and making sarcastic comments. Lashing out and sarcasm fuel anger rather than diminish it. Such actions come from a place of feeling entitled and justified which reinforce angry feelings. Additionally, lashing out and sarcasm are disrespectful and diminish the person engaging in the behaviors. Most importantly, however, is that lashing out and sarcasm are most often met with more lashing out and sarcasm leading to a continuation of the "argument" rather than a diminishing of your anger.
The classic advice of counting to 10 is classic because it actually works! In immediate situations counting to 10 and taking a few deep breaths is a good way to gain some self control making it easier to avoid acting out on those angry feelings. Taking a deep breath will slow down the physiological response to the situation and give your nervous system time to back down. It is important to break the cycle of reacting to the situation.
When needed take a longer cooling off period. Set the limit and maintain your boundaries. Despite what the person you are angry with may say, it is not necessary to address an issue immediately. As a matter of respect for you and yourself, you have the right to maintain your boundaries. There is no reason to confront a situation where you feel angry when you are rushed and caught up in feelings so that you are not thinking clearly but instead reacting to a situation. Take a time out and wait until you have time and can be fully and calmly present. Avoid addressing anger when you are tired and when you have been drinking alcohol because a stance of compassion is more difficult to maintain under these circumstances.
Another key ingredient to letting go of anger is to let go of the need to be "right" or feel justified. This is one of the more difficult aspects of letting go. That is because once we have bought into the notion of being justified in our anger it is easier to hold on to. So go ahead and try something different, try letting go of being right and allow your self to be more at peace. This action alone, may transform your life.
In summary, there are various techniques for transforming anger. The ones that we have discussed here involve the following:
- Start small addressing the least challenging issues first.
- Develop compassion for the other person or people involved.
- End unhealthy relationships when necessary.
- Avoid lashing out and sarcasm.
- Count to 10 and take some deep breaths.
- Use cooling off periods when needed.
- Let go of the need to be right or feel justified.
By using some or all of these techniques, you are likely to make some headway in developing more healthy and appropriate ways of dealing with your anger.